Tuesday, 24 October 2017

This is the highlight of my day:

I know, it's ugly right? Like what's up with that fruit design? And not only that, when you hold it you see it's rather cheaply made. It's noisy when you spin it, it feels light and fragile in my hands, and it's got scratches on it. I found it near the checkout lane in Winners in a beaten up package. I could tell someone had taken it out already. Many people had obviously passed up on it, and I highly doubt anyone would want it. Children probably picked it up, become enamoured by it, ask their mom for it, their mom would look at it and say no because it was beaten up and not worth the $5 (my mom bought it for me no questions asked).

As soon as I saw it, I knew I had to have it. I walked around with it for a bit and wouldn't put it down, so I was taking it no matter what.

This was really uncharacteristic of me. I'm usually the type to critique everything I buy, and not get it unless I think it's absolutely perfect. But this was different. I knew it was far from perfect, or even ideal by my standards. What could have possibly made me want it other than the fact I have a thing for fidget spinners?

As I said before, it was clear no one else wanted it. If I didn't buy it, perhaps it would get put on clearance hoping someone would take it out of the store's inventory; and if it still didn't sell, possibly get tossed in the trash (what happens to items in stores which never ever get sold?).

And now, here I am with this thing, as it makes its annoying, high-pitched racket as it spins, and I'm totally in love with it.

I was always a quiet and shy child (less so now), and because I didn't talk much, it gave me a chance to be ultra-observant of others. I could easily pick up on little quirks like the tone of their voice, their body language, which filler words they used etc. etc. This would give me often accurate insights into people's psychology. However, this perception mixed with cynicism and occasionally narcissism later on in life and made me rather judgemental; a quality which hasn't served me positively. I'm trying to be better, but still I catch myself placing unfair judgements upon my family and friends, the very same people who should be receiving my love and acceptance instead.

I feel like this fidget spinner is a reminder that even though someone or something can be far from perfect, they're still deserving of love. It's no amazing feat to love someone with lovable qualities, and often times, we, including myself, get caught up in loving people with these qualities we seek, as if we're rewarding them. But the people who are hard to love are often the people who need it most, because they're easy for others to pass up.

I don't know if that's the underlying reason for me getting this fidget spinner, or if I'm just a sucker for cute things, which I am. But either way, I feel there will be interesting insights to come.

Saturday, 21 October 2017

There's a tranquil beauty in the cold darkness under the night sky, where the stars watch a troubled soul from high above where there are no faults.

Sunday, 30 July 2017

FIrst post in a while

It's been a year since I wrote my last post. There was really no rhyme or reason for it, I simply lost motivation. But I find writing is therapeutic for me, and perhaps this is a good way to connect with whoever may be reading. I'm not going to say much more than that today, but expect new content soon.

Sunday, 17 July 2016

I'm sometimes a master of spreading negativity. I have my own whimsical views born of something I don't understand, and I take these with the full intention of trying to make you believe them. Why? If you're happy because you believe in something that gives you the strength to make it through the day,  who am I to try and sap that light out of you?

Maybe it's I who needs to listen to you and not the other way around.

Sunday, 3 July 2016

Why do you feel good?

I'm talking about you, Procrastination, you literal horse with wings that distracts my attention every time I try to find the moon. My duck that watches me and intensifies my anatidaephobia.
Seriously, if you didn't feel good, I probably wouldn't always be chasing you and trying to find out what you feel like, would I?
Maybe someday I'll learn the truth about you. Someday…

Monday, 6 June 2016

My treatment for writer's block

Ever since I was a child and discovered my ability to write, I took advantage of every opportunity I could to put my inner world on paper. I had such a vivid imagination, that I found the worlds I could create within my own mind even more fascinating than the real world. I would create fantastical stories in my mind, and I would draw them when possible, but when I discovered that I could narrate an entire story right from my heart, it ignited a blazing inferno of desire within me.

For some reason, in my teen years, my writing sort of came to a halt. I'm not sure why, but I felt like everything I wrote down wasn't good enough, To put it simply that's about the whole truth. Anyone else who I allowed to see my writing (which they were very few) thought the craft I put out was amazing. I, however never saw it that way. I always felt like something was missing, and that some feeling within myself wasn't being let out properly.

A lot of people would call this writer's block. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. I suppose whatever I was feeling does fit the definition of writer's block, but I feel the term "writer's block" feels like wood in my mouth as the words come out. It seems so dry and superficial, like it doesn't articulate any actual valuable details as to why I couldn't write. It just states the obvious.

But thinking back on it now, it goes way beyond writing. There has been many times where I've held off from expressing myself because I didn't think it was very good. With drawing and painting for example, I didn't think my work was all that good, so as a result I rarely drew or painted.

And looking back on other aspects of my personality, I see that I've been very self-critical, for seemingly no good reason. It's such an irrational state of being. I could have put out the most amazing masterpiece, and I still wouldn't think it's any good. Why? Why did I feel that way? I'm hard on myself for seemingly no reason, and while it leads me to have high standards at some times, it can also be very damaging.

As I result, I'm working to undo that self-critical nature I have of myself. Rather than staying in the dark trying to make something that I think is worthy, my form of therapy is to put myself out there and just let everyone's eyes see it for their self. I guess you can say this post is the very start of that.

Tuesday, 19 April 2016

Special connections

There's a special kind of connection you have with a person when you have no idea who they are, have never met them before, and know nothing about them, but you see their photo on Whatsapp as they are listed as your contact.
Of course, the number belongs to that friend you barely talk to anymore, that love interest you went out with once and hoped the two of you would turn into something special but never did, or your sibling as the two of you laugh about how that person isn't you.
But still, this person has a unique connection with you that neither of you can explain, and probably never will be able to, but you can feel its significance nonetheless.