Ever since I was a child and discovered my ability to write, I took advantage of every opportunity I could to put my inner world on paper. I had such a vivid imagination, that I found the worlds I could create within my own mind even more fascinating than the real world. I would create fantastical stories in my mind, and I would draw them when possible, but when I discovered that I could narrate an entire story right from my heart, it ignited a blazing inferno of desire within me.
For some reason, in my teen years, my writing sort of came to a halt. I'm not sure why, but I felt like everything I wrote down wasn't good enough, To put it simply that's about the whole truth. Anyone else who I allowed to see my writing (which they were very few) thought the craft I put out was amazing. I, however never saw it that way. I always felt like something was missing, and that some feeling within myself wasn't being let out properly.
A lot of people would call this writer's block. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. I suppose whatever I was feeling does fit the definition of writer's block, but I feel the term "writer's block" feels like wood in my mouth as the words come out. It seems so dry and superficial, like it doesn't articulate any actual valuable details as to why I couldn't write. It just states the obvious.
But thinking back on it now, it goes way beyond writing. There has been many times where I've held off from expressing myself because I didn't think it was very good. With drawing and painting for example, I didn't think my work was all that good, so as a result I rarely drew or painted.
And looking back on other aspects of my personality, I see that I've been very self-critical, for seemingly no good reason. It's such an irrational state of being. I could have put out the most amazing masterpiece, and I still wouldn't think it's any good. Why? Why did I feel that way? I'm hard on myself for seemingly no reason, and while it leads me to have high standards at some times, it can also be very damaging.
As I result, I'm working to undo that self-critical nature I have of myself. Rather than staying in the dark trying to make something that I think is worthy, my form of therapy is to put myself out there and just let everyone's eyes see it for their self. I guess you can say this post is the very start of that.